Today’s Labour Day. I’m crapping. I knew you know but just want to make a heading. Waking up from a not-so-nice sleep, I just realized that why do I get off the bed at 9am something. That sounds too unbelievable in this holiday although I slept quite early yesterday. The dreams were never letting me go. Besides, the last dream was so horrible like we were preparing to a war, which seemed like not human-with-human, and I had news that my bff died. How scary and ridiculous it was. And, I woke up.

Labour Day should be no-Labour Day, like Cancer Day should be no-Cancer Day and 咳药水 should be 不咳水. I did a lot on holiday. I wiped the windows, sticked the Snoopy road tax sticker, put the clothes in washer, washed the toilet and cleaned my room. I wanted to clean the fan but I’m not tall enough and lazy enough to climb on the little ladder. And then, I “washed” myself, cut my nails and cut the cotton bud into half. Having my breakfast, I finished my freelance stuffs too. Today my words are flowing smoothly with no reason. I can just crap as much as I can.

I started officially my first full-time job after April’s Cambodia trip, so far after my graduation. Still, I’m there and not yet quit it. Everything is nice, from people to the task. And recently, I had a talk with few friends. I just realized that with this position, I get a sum of presentable salary. If you want me to say about this job, only the annual leave and half-day work on Saturday do not satisfy me well. It is an easy job, or happening to be easy now as a green.

“What do you want?” This statement has been non-stop appearing in my mind after that day. I asked myself before but the doubtful feeling is never so strong as now. I has a habit, reflecting what I has been doing and talking to myself when I’m facing a life junction. This habit throws me into a darker hole for few nights. Till this post, I cannot figure out what should be the answer too. I don’t even can talk to someone (I intended to but the person I chose did not bother me LOL)or write out about that. Yet, I’m trying now to see whether it can get me a sense of relief. The answer is still floating in nowhere though.

When something that you has insisted for a time being disappeared like a bubble in the air, you would feel helpless. And, hurt? No, it doesn’t hurt you. The feeling of helpless hurts. You foresee the destination but suddenly have to reverse to the beginning. Like monopoly, is the control on your hand or on the dice itself? Although you have planned, your heart might not plan it. Plan is just a wordy game. I do believe in faith and fate. I reach this point because of that point. Rethinking what you get in the end, you will feel something is meant to be already or at least you get something to make up your future.

Putting myself in that situation, I was totally wordless. I did talk but repeatedly. If my soul was another person, she could see that I’m losing out. Frankly, he spoke partially true of me. It was just not a great hit until I would sink. Dream is a possibility instead of fact. Take a bet with the possibility and you should learn how to accept any result. Always, I like to say “When I think much, the thing will start to run away from me.” Some were but I know that I feel the run-away because I put in the expectation and it is proved when thinking too much.

“What do you want?” Back to this point, I’m speechless too. I have to admit that I’m not a business-minded person although what I’m holding is related to it. Corporate world will turn me around, I guess. That is a place with a bunch of competitive adults. Can I just live with kids? If someday I will climb up the corporate ladder, do show me this post and then I will realize how huge changes will be. I start to think that I’m living under people’s expectation. And, people’s expectations make up my self-expectation.

“What do you want?” Living a simple life, then how simple it is? Living for a prestigious future, then what is it for? We count money, and money is about survival, and everything should be dominated by the ringgit. Is it? And, we begin our robotic days.


我是幸福的。至少,我有时间去想我要什么。而其他人,在这世界上,可能连这选择都没有。[人找不找得到,那都是命運,所以那一部份讓命運來控制,我的部份就是把它走完,這是我能掌握的機會。] 读了藤井树的新作,这一句说对了一切。

-Listening to slow song while typing out my heart rhythm.




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