Going to 1/2

Time flies when you recall the memories. When both thought that it might not work out, now is almost a 1/2 anniversary. We love and are loved. Still sometimes we fought hard with tears.

He has his own personality and opinion to matters. We’ve been adjusting ourselves to fit in and right. The effort you will do in a relationship. Nothing is called “be yourself”. Not a total one. You will still own your freedom, your interest and your bottom line (make sure the other half knows about it). And you will compromise something when he taps himself into your life.

I seldom says I love you but whispering in my heart each time. I hope he can feel my love as I’m silly enough to express my feeling. Deep inside my heart, I feel every ounce of his love and caring when he pampers my occasional dependency, when he thinks of a way to cool down my itchiness, when he sneaks out from my room as I fall asleep, when he surprises me on celebration or just normal days. He always says I’m a small kid. Just to him, does he know? I love the way he snuggles me and also the way my fingers brushing through his hair. Spending less time in my rent but more valuable time in his room. We watch series, talk about plan, scroll facebook and share video or just do nothing.

Future is so uncertain. Obstacles can be much more than our imagination. In this moment, I’m blessed to have someone staying here and there right for me. I know when I call up, it’d be someone there. I know where I can lay my shoulder on. I know the only person I want a hug, a kiss and a word. I know he loves me and happened to know I love him too.

And then I choose you. So the story continues.

Snow here.

Half month to go. Counting.

How’s everything going in year 2014? Well, I don’t know.
Any resolution for coming year? Happiness? Or may be something big? Achievement is essential to feel good.

Yearly, I travel abroad twice. This year, yeah, went India. And just back from Boracay. Planned to score one month, one book goal. Seems time flying fast with few books in mind, more books on shelves.
Career wise, I considered myself doing good but yet to greatest. Only recently got bit bored, lack excitement and trying to slack off heavy responsibilities. In another freelancing side, less big job and no new contact. How to get it restarted is a question to think.
Till relationship part, keeping in touch often with friends. Sometimes, got a feeling that old close friends not around me in this city. Anyhow, thanks to technology to pull us closer occasionally. Have started to pull myself away from social media but the downside is reply whatsapp slower and lesser.
Also, got myself into boy-girl relationship in this last quarter. How’s it doing? Honeymoon month with up and down. Two big downs. Learning to love is a hardcore lesson yet cannot be taught or read in somewhere. Not so theoretically. Sounds pessimistic but not so. Not sure how much I love but he’s part of my life now. Feel loved when he pampers. Feel loving to this big boy. Feel touching towards his little act and big surprise. Feel growing up even when we’re in down curve, the talks are just for holding hand together.

Every year starts with unplanned one, continues with life choices and ends beautifully with memories.
Feel blessed.

A promise.

Life has begun to change, with a new person into my life.
Focus shifted to and thought centered around a new person.

Talking to old affection, it’s totally an unspeakable feeling.
You care him not as much as before. Another way, friend’s caring.
Your brain signals you that your affection now is another person.
Although he never be your boyfriend, you just feel like he was and hanging out is a different thing than before.

It’s just beginning and I’m such a failure.
Supposing, theoretically, it should be sweetest three-month full of daily laughter and joy.
I fought with tears and anger.
Uncertainty and fear are pushing me to negative end.
Devil sound won over.
Even I did what I hatred the most. Say no when I didn’t mean to. Say leave when I didn’t wish so.
He all the times standing with me, taking in all my emotional distress. Despite his work stress.
Tell me to stay with him when I wanted to go away. Hug me tight and smile at my crying face. Doing all silly stuffs just to ease the awkward situation. Hold my hand and decrypt my everything to understand the situation.
After all these, he stick all my broken pieces and tell me just be yourself.

I expected. Till I forget things can fall out, forget I might sometimes not as how others expected.
I scared. Till one word can shake off my confidence, my faith.
I’m still a kid, least in boy girl relationship. A weak kid.

Doubting him is the least thing I ever wanted to do. But I’m doing it unconsciously.
Should and only make a promise to myself that I gotta learn and be blessed for how different we are but fall in love with each other.
And promise for him, let’s action be.

The stronger feeling he is the right one, the stronger feeling I’m afraid to lose him.
So gotta not lose and let him feel like be himself. Just like how he tells me always.

Good that.

I have a realist brain. It thinks the other way round occasionally though. It seems hard to link sentimentality with realism in a strong connection. But they do exist and live together. Things are working out although I not sure is it the way supposing to be. Feel happy, feel belonged and also feel upset too. It is what will play around when we are in a relationship. We want to be wanted and to be wanted is tagged along with the emotional price. I take in people’s word too much, and therefore sometimes kind of unacceptable when people forget, incapable, or actually not a big deal to do it or not. Action speaks better than word. But a person as me still mind the word. Not saying word without action is okay. So I’m greedy and want both. Or just don’t give word. Too good memory I had. Looking around my room, it speaks of everything showing affection to myself which is far more important than those seems like showing off to others. Say easier. Pull all pieces together and still my little kid won out. Should let the adult self stronger and defeat the another always.

Things happen for a reason.

When like grows, insecurity grows too.
Living in present is a great motto.
Say is much easier than done.
How to be undefined by the past? Even I myself hide it within.
Does it matter? Only I mind.

Everyone has a job. Do your part.
Figuring out what is mine. Or perhaps it’s time to stop thinking but just act with no hesitate.
Build out something belongs to my own. Regardless of the result, at least it’s once mine.

Emotion was a rusty swing set these few days.
The noise disrupt the serenity.
Wear and tear.

When I feel the need to be away, again it’s a ridiculous symptom.
No way to escape but let it be. Things will eventually work out the way it’s supposed to be.

A trip, a book and a soul.

It’s a choice.

When you realize it’s impossible, or it may not be possible, you make a move.
A move to change, however unwilling you are.
Situation, stay put. Thought, change just to feel better, feel yourself.
Be kind to leave a room for your own. A big one, remember.
Maybe one day, you move on, you look back and can talk all as a ridiculous joke but you miss it.
It is how we grow, isn’t it?

Put forward thinking. Although I agree that boy-girl relationship is sucks. You love him but he doesn’t love you. Love each other but in wrong timing. He loves you but you don’t love him. We tried hard to care for whom we wanted to care and you might not get a good appraisal on that. Someone is there caring, worrying on you and you feel him/her is frustrating. So what happens? We acts different, and undeniably we did act like someone we hatred to be. Talked out loud and I second to her point that human beings are selfish. Really, sometimes.

Actually, no physical change. Only mental.
We have ever heard that people always yearn for a way out but stuck in bottleneck. The truth is “We chose to stuck.”

I take a slow move but unsteady one.
Not till You’re here, I may not succeed. I may take a U-turn or halt in half-way.

A word to me.

What’s the one word for I, me and myself? I answered, ordinary. Perhaps, average? That’s decent too.

I read. Every time I touch the book spine, it’s easier to keep me calm. I’m like being transported into another world.
People presumes I could be a writer as I read lots. But I enjoys the character and the flow under genuine penmanship. How they structure the words into sentence, sentence into paragraph, and eventually into story find me in fascination. I do not own the determination or enough vocabulary to tell a least-50-page story. Everything is bouncing faster in imaginative mind. Not even catching up the writing speed.

I travel. People, more than one, suggest me to pen on it. But experiences holds up in my heart. I even think that my verbal expression is so limited. Few words will do, more than enough to leave the rest to yourself. Seems like not a way to write a good journal for sharing.

I think. I enjoy creative arts, innovative thoughts and any catchy extraordinary stuffs. But I’m not as artistic as an illustrator. I cannot draw, cut or sketch. I wear headset most of times but not sing well nor play musical instrument. It’s just the feeling I want to fall and live a solitary life for a moment.

I listen to song but not the lyric. I watch movie but do not remember who the actor is. I read book but have no idea in author biography. It’s a pure feeling, pure enjoyment. So I know something but not everything. What’s the point of this post? Nothing. Just feel wanna typing out loud. Read away.